Alone again, naturally

In a little while from now, if I'm not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself, and visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top, will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to whoever, what it's like when you're shattered
Left standing in the lurch, at a church, where people're saying,
"My God that's tough, she stood him up, no point in us remaining - may as well go home."
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday, I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, (but who wouldn't do?), the role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt, all about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist, Why did He desert me?
In my hour of need, I truly am indeed
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?


Looking back over the years, and whatever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died, never wishing to have cried the tears
And at sixty-five years old, my mother, God rest her soul
Couldn't understand, why the only man she had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start, with a heart so badly broken
Despite encouragement from me, no words were ever spoken
And when she passed away, I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

Under Pressure..

What Will you do when you are under a heavy pressure ? try to solve the problem ? off course... run from all those mess and try something new ? definetely,.. many thing can made us a little bit off the tense, and feel relax,..

well, today i just feel that i would try to forget all of my problems for a while and try to relaxing my mind,.. coz, on a circumtances like this, i cannot think clearly, and everything i'd do would be useless and worhtless,.. i cannot type a letter on my thesis, nor my report...

than, i remember,.. everytime i want to turn off my computer, i'll hear a part of a song,.. " I've got no motivation, I've got not stimulation, You could be, you could be, The one for me, We will see that.."
after this, usually i will turn on my computer again,.. not try to continue what i did before, but i play that song in my winamp,.. first song "quietdrive - Motivation",.. after that,.. by reflex, i just add other song to the playlist,.. all i want to hear now,.. all song that could make me more relax,.. feel comfort, and loose the tense...
here is the playlist on my winamp now..

1. Quietdrive - motivation
2. Hoobastank - So Close, So Far
3. Lily Allen - Not Fair
4. Hoobastank - The Reason
5. The Used & MCR - Under Pressure
6. Sergio Mendez ft John Legend - Please Baby Don't
7. Joss Stone - Under Pressure
8. Level 42 - Forever Now
9. Queen - Under Pressure
10. Rihanna ft Ne Yo - Hate That I Love You
11. Fergie ft Will I Am - Pick It Up
12. Black Eyed Peas - Don't Lie
13. Akon - Beautiful
14. Arrested Development - Honeymoon Day
15. Beyonce - Irreplaceable
16. Ar Rahman & PCD - Jai Ho
17 Keane - Everybody's Changing

the list will always grow as i listen to the song,.. i hate to repeat the playlist again,..
and,.. my phone keeps on ringing,.. always distract me,.. i hate that,..

and also i hate to continue writing this,..
so i'll just listen to my relaxing songs again,..

Too bad, a beautiful day must ends this way,...

Baru aja abis menghadap seorang pejabat di kampus IPB. awalnya penilaian gw tuh bapak bakal asik, enak diajak ngomong, dan sedikit toleran... ternyata eh ternyata, tipe birokrat sejati ! menjadikan aturan, tugas, dan jabatan diatas segalanya. yang lebih mengesalkan, prosedural banget dah,.. bukan salah dia sih, emang aturan Pascasarjana IPB yang diperketat.

Ini emang kesalahan gw yang sudah lama, bahkan menjamur, males ikut prosedur yang baik dan benar !, padahal, kalo aja gw ngikut aturan yang udah ditetapin dan bisa punya motivasi sedikiiiit aja, harusnya masalah ini gak kejadian. tapi berhubung udah kejeblos, mo gimana lagi ? giliran gw semangat ngerjain thesis, eeehhh,.. ada aja penghalang yang bikin susah buat wisuda lagi... alhasil, sekarang gw down lagi, gak semangat lagi, males lagi,.. ancur dah,...

masalahnya adalah SPP, yap, duit ! uang kuliah gw emang udah nunggak 2 tahun, dan sekarang tagihannya membengkak, udah lebih sadis daripada tagihan bunga kartu kredit ! saat gw minta keringanan, penundaan, atau apalah istilahnya, biar gw bisa nyelesein kuliah, bisa sidang komisi, seminar dan ujian, masalah ini muncul. gw gak bisa ngelakuin itu semua sebelum tagihan lunas ! bah,..
saat gw berusaha bilang, "yaa, gimana gitu pak caranya biar yang penting saya bisa lulus dulu, tagihan ntar belakangan aja,.. toh saya masih di sini2 juga,.." dia malah bilang " ya gak bisa gitu dong, tagihannya harus dilunasin dulu, anda bicarakan dulu lah sama PS-nya, Departemen-nya, baru bisa. sekarang siapa yang bisa jamin anda masih disini ? saya gak bisa jamin anda, IPB kan bukan punya saya.." jleb,.. langsung deh lemes dengernya,.. percuma nyelesein thesis, nge draft, dll dst dsb, kalo gak bisa sidang komisi, seminar dan thesis.

untungnya, gw lemot, yang kepikiran saat itu cuma kesel,.. gak bisa ngebales komen si bapak. baru pas udah keluar dari rektorat gw kepikiran, ide gilanya... bakal ngomong "justru itu pak, IPB kan bukan punya bapak, spp saya bayar atau gak kan gak ngaruh di gaji bapak, trus kenapa sih saya gak boleh seminar n sidang ??" kesel,...

memang, pas dia bilang, "anda kan udah gak bayar lebih dari 3 semester, bukan penundaan namanya, nunggak, kalo baru 1 semester sih bisa dibilang menunda. terus kapan mo bayar nya ? anda juga gak tau kan kapan bisa bayar ?" dih bener dah,.. 5 tahun di IPB tanpa digaji pun gw bertahan, apalagi kalo status PNS gw keluar, mau kabur kemana sih gw ? kalo DO atau kuliah gak kelar, itu sama aja gw keluar dari IPB,.. gak ada gunanya gw disini lagi...

yah, sudahlah,.. maaf ya pak,.. kalo saya jadi ngomongin bapak dimari,.. cuma ungkapan kekesalan sesaat,.. mungkin ini ujian kesabaran buat gw,..
and once again,.. too bad a beautiful day must ends this way...